Our Language Matters

Litigation/Adversarial Language

You

My child / My house

Tell

You are entitled to

Divorce petition

Child support

Spousal support

Child custody / Visitation

Discovery / Subpoenas

Exhibits / Evidence

Opposing counsel

Fair

Never / Always

I will not

Proposal

Win / Lose

Negative past

Recommendations

Make settlement proposals

I recommend that you

My legal advice is

I’ll see you in court

I insist on/that

Parties / Clients

Opposing party

Expert

Therapist/Counselor

Child therapist / Custody evaluator

Session

Opposing counsel / Other side

Financial planner / CPA / Financial expert

I represent (client’s name)

I am a divorce lawyer

I will provide you with solutions

I am in charge of

You should

Ground rules

Professionals speak for the clients

Clients talk to the professionals

Adversarial body language

Temporary support / child support

Collaborative/Cooperative Language

Our children/Our house

Ask/Request

What are your hopes, concerns, interests and values?

Transition document

What it takes to pay for our children’s expenses / needs / abilities

Reallocation of family resources

Parenting time / Co-Parenting plan / Time with Mom or Dad

Voluntary transparency, information gathering

Information

Collaborative counterpart

What I can live with

Sometimes / Often

My request is

Option

Mutually acceptable

Positive Future

Information/Education

Brainstorm options

One option to consider might be

Let me give you some legal information

Clients brainstorm and craft agreements

You can bring up your concern at the team meeting

Person’s name / The person I am working with

The person’s name

Someone with expertise / Experience

Divorce coach / Communication facilitator

Child specialist / Voice of the children

Meeting

Collaborative co-counsel/Collaborative colleague

Neutral financial professional

I am (client’s name) collaborative lawyer/divorce coach

I am a peacemaker.

We will brainstorm together as a team

We work as a team of Collaborative Professionals

What would it look like if

Foundations for success

Clients speak for themselves

Clients talk to each other

Collaborative / Cooperative body language

Income / Expense sharing

(Adapted by Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT, and Brian D. Levy, J.D., with permission from Collaborative Divorce Team

Ellie Izzo, Ph.D., LPC)